Overwhelming Coolness
by Jojo6
Summary: SG-1's reputation is misleading. Season 6. No spoilers.


Title: Overwhelming Coolness

Author: Jojo

Email: randomleaves@yahoo.co.uk

Season: 6

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Bah! AIM! So bad for my health!

A/N: Thanks to Karen and MV for their support :D

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The huge-black-hairy-spiders dance of fear was probably something the four members of SG-1 never, ever wanted anyone to ever find out about.

Ever.

Jonas had thrown off his vest, his shirt and his T-shirt in rapid succession, yelling Kelownan curses at the top of his voice. From the door of the hut where 'it' had happened, Sam could see a long trail of his clothes. Had she not been freaking out at the same time, she probably would have enjoyed the view. Jonas was surprisingly tanned... all over.

The Colonel had done the same as Jonas, but rather than running and throwing off clothes at the same time, he'd got a suitable distance away from the hut before stripping down to T-shirt and pants and commencing the huge-black-hairy-spiders dance of fear.

Teal'c had yelped like a girl and in addition to the dance, jumped up and down a few times outside, but otherwise felt no need to get rid of his clothes. Afterwards, he sat down heavily and breathed very, very slowly, no doubt trying to control any urges to maniacally shake himself.

Sam, post dance, post removal of several outer layers of clothing, had sat down on her pack and pulled out a comb, sorting through her hair for *anything* that wasn't sand or hair or dust. 

She swore she could still feel their legs on the back of her neck.

"Ugh," she said emphatically, shuddering and pushing her hair back from her forehead before giving it another good shake with her fingers.

"Jonas. If you want to go inside and see... whatever it is. Feel free," the Colonel said brusquely, pointing to the hut before giving his fingers a quick shake.

"There is no way," Jonas replied, shakily, shaking out his T-shirt very carefully before pulling it back on. "No way. At all. In any way whatsoever."

"Right. That's good. Because someone would have had to have gone with you and I don't think Teal'c's up to it."

"I will never go into that hut again, O'Neill," Teal'c piped up with his eyes closed.

"Carter, then."

Sam shook her head and raised a hand. "Not even if it was a direct order. Sir," she added seriously.

"Glad to see where everyone's limits lie," the Colonel replied, glancing at the hut one more time and scrunching up his face in distaste. "I guess... we should go set up camp."

"A long, long, long way from here, I hope," Jonas said quickly, scratching at his face. "Is everyone itching, or is it just me?"

Sam scrubbed at the part of her hair, suddenly afraid that she'd somehow missed it during the run-through with the comb, Teal'c rubbed behind his ears cautiously and the Colonel scratched his neck.

"No, not just me," Jonas surmised, looking at everyone with mild amusement. Before he started furiously rubbing at his upper arms.

"Let's get the hell away from here," the Colonel announced, brushing at his hair tentatively.

A couple of clicks towards the gate – which was an entire day's journey away – and the Colonel decided that a particular flat piece of sandy scrubland was just right for setting up camp.

Very carefully, they all unpacked their packs, looking for anything eight legged, black and orange, hairy and really, really, unspeakably unpleasant.

Seriously, they were *huge*. Sam was going to really enjoy freaking Janet out when they got back on Earth.

"What are we gonna say in our reports?" Jonas asked, cramming the last of his saved lunchtime MRE into his mouth and chewing. 

Sam pulled her canteen away from her lips with a wet pop. "About what?"

He uncapped his own canteen and swished the water around, eyeing the opening thoughtfully. "About why we didn't investigate the only remaining abode within a reasonable distance from the gate?"

Colonel O'Neill stood up, surreptitiously brushing his hand over his pants, and considered as he made his way over his pack. "Did you see anything inside it, Jonas?"

"Er, no. But three seconds after I looked around, two million spiders dropped from the ceiling..."

Everyone started to do a mini huge-black-hairy-spiders dance. Sam wondered where her comb was. The Colonel started flicking at his shirt distractedly. Teal'c took some deep breaths.

"You know what... I really don't think there was anything important in there," Jonas announced, suddenly, his hand brushing at his collar before he started to scratch through his T-shirt.

"Yeah. That's what I thought."

After all, it couldn't get out that SG-1, collectively, were afraid of spiders. That would be *hell* on their reputation. Even if it was in a supposedly secure report, things like that inevitably got loose – like the time Daniel and Sam had got into a mud fight off-world, thanks to some truly psychedelic tree sap, and the Colonel and Teal'c had to drag them off each other.

By the end of that week, everyone knew about it and the rumors had run riot about the possible reason for the fight. Lovers tiff? Jealousy? Betrayal? When in truth it had been less than glamorous – Daniel wouldn't let Sam try on his glasses.

What?

Drugged sap, okay? The whole day, she and Daniel had been helping the botanists, for lack of anything else to do, and had been sucking in the fumes and it had inevitably gone to their heads. And Sam could vaguely remember thinking that she'd look really hot with glasses on and Daniel's were just.. right... there.

Shaking her head, Sam played with the ends of her hair nervously. She wondered if spiders egg could *latch* on to hair. She'd read 'Charlotte's Web' as a child and the image of thousands of little spiders coming from one relatively small egg still haunted her to this day.

The tent was set up, the sleeping bags arranged, the food was cooked, the perimeter checked and they settled down to eat in companionable silence.

You know, except for the twitching.

"You know... on Kelowna," Jonas said thoughtfully, "the spiders had ten legs."

Sam breathed out in horror. "Oh. My. God."

The Colonel blanched and scratched his ankle. "That's... just wrong."

Teal'c said nothing. But he looked pretty freaked out by the whole concept. 

For Teal'c.

Jonas nodded. "But they weren't hairy. I don't like the hairy ones you have here."

"No shit," Colonel O'Neill murmured, looking down at his MRE in disgust. 

Thankfully, it had gotten pretty dark by that point and the Colonel gave everyone their night watch shifts. Sam got her least favorite shift of all – third watch – and mentally sighed. 

After tidying up, the Colonel and Sam made their way over to the tent they had set up. Glancing at each other swiftly, they both took their sleeping bags out of the tent to give them a good shake. 

Just in case.

Settling down inside, side by side, they lay staring up at the tent cover, both trying to think normal thoughts instead of spider-related thoughts.

"I hate spiders," the Colonel murmured, just as Sam thought he was beginning to doze off.

"I'm with you on that one," she sighed, wondering if that wiggling feeling at the bottom of her sleeping bag near her left foot was her imagination or... a huge black and orange spider crawling around inside.

"Night, Carter."

She bet it was her imagination. She'd always had a hyper-active imagination.

"Night, sir."

Definitely her imagination. How could it have possibly got in there?

"Carter?"

Well, it could have fallen in her pack. It wasn't inconceivable. Perhaps during the time when they'd unpacked the tent and the sleeping bags, one had crawled out of someone's pack and crawled into her sleeping bag...

"Sir?"

Okay. No. Something was moving. Up her leg. Definitely. 

"I think there's something in my sleeping bag."

Oh thank God. "Me too."

There was a pause.

"It wouldn't ruin our reputation of overwhelming coolness if we decided to sleep outside tonight, would it?"

She was already scrambling out of her sleeping bag. "*Definitely* not, sir."

"Excellent," he said, following her quickly and departing the tent. 

  



End file.
